Sometimes men say things to me that simply aren’t true.

All throughout my life, on measured, standardized tests, I’ve consistently placed in the top 3% of humans across the board on almost everything… everything that is deemed worthy for metric-taking that is, which is a whole different discussion.

Point is: I’m not a stupid anything including being a stupid woman.

But that’s the game we play in this community.

“You’re just a dumb little female, aren’t you.”

Stuff like that.

Sometimes it takes me out of the fantasy because the jarring disconnect from the truth makes it harder for me to visualize the things I want to visualize.

Basically: I can no longer picture me in that particular situation.

And that’s one of the weird things about this wider community that doesn’t have to be the case, but it is and it’s… frustrating.

It’s frustrating that a lot of people come in with the assumption that it all has to be the same.

It’s all-or-nothing thinking: if you’re into one element of the community, then surely you’re into every element of that community.

This can create a Toxic Patriarchy.

It’s the conformity.

The need for it to look exactly the same for everybody in every direction.

A Wholesome Patriarchy is flexible.

A Wholesome Patriarchy needs to be like the blade of grass which sways and dances with the wind but never breaks.

Toxic Patriarchy is like a glass - fine when the conditions are right, but shattered easily at the slightest nudge.

Toxic Patriarchy needs certain things to be true and fractures when it’s not.

Wholesome Patriarchy listens to the truth first, then forms itself into a shape that is durable and well-adapted to the true conditions.

A Wholesome Patriarchy can play with power dynamics without having to lie.

I mean, it can lie if that’s what both partners want… but it shouldn’t have to lie in order to be fun or in order to work.

A Wholesome Patriarchy can be creative.

It can generate new rules specific to its inhabitants.

A Wholesome Patriarchy doesn’t try to stuff its players into pre-ordained shapes.

It can be fluid.

A Wholesome Patriarchy can take the truth and bring it into the play time with it.

It just takes a little bit of ingenuity and a deeper understanding of all the moving pieces.

Next Week: Options in Leadership Styles.