Can There Be a Wholesome Patriarchy?
The premise of our very specific “Wholesome Patriarchy” community is the idea that each individual has within them the potential to lead in their own unique way…
…and that they also need to know where to follow in other ways.
The best leaders know that their team has skills and intelligence in areas where they don’t. The best leaders recognize those skills and intelligence and bring them out in their team to the maximum potential.
It doesn’t make you any less of a leader to follow your team’s lead when it’s sensible and wise to do so.
In the wider power dynamic community, there is typically only one style of leadership that is talked about.
It’s talked about so heavily that it’s never even mentioned that it’s only one style of many available.
This one particular style doesn’t suit everybody, and so that can make some men feel like they “don’t have what it takes.”
I assure you that there is a leadership style out there for you. We’re going to talk about the others later in this chapter/article.
For now, rest assured that you have the potential to be an incredible leader - you only need to find the right style that jives with your personality - and then practice it.
One way to fit into your new leadership role more comfortably and naturally is to think of yourself not as the dictator in your relationship, but as one half of a dual leadership dynamic.
Think of yourself as leading in certain areas that you both agreed on based on your mutual wants and desires… and letting her lead in other ways - again: based on your mutual wants and desires.
These dual roles can follow traditional gender norms, but they don’t have to.
I’d suggest that it makes it so much better and more satisfying when it’s something you create together and is special to the two of you.
The “Wholesome Patriarchy” site is under the umbrella of the “Life Enhancement Movement” project.
The other website under this umbrella is “Wholesome Matriarchy.” (It won’t be developed until at least November 2025).
The idea is that both can co-exist right next to each other peacefully and harmoniously with each couple creating their own unique balance where everyone feels confident and like there are areas in your shared life that you each have ownership of.
One way to define and shape your areas of leadership as the man is to also - at the same time - define and shape the areas in which she will lead.
This will help you to feel more confident taking control in your areas knowing that there’s that counterbalance on the other side.
Each of you have your own:
Skills
Talents
Expertise
Intelligence
Some of these things will fall neatly along stereotypical gender lines… and others will not.
It’s up to the two of you as a team to forge your own path based on who you are as individuals.
If you’re not dating anyone yet, now is the time to develop your potential strengths in leadership while leaving room for your partner to bring her own strengths to the relationship when the opportunity arises.
If you feel like you don’t have any prospects right now, this is the best time to start.
Success is a matter of being prepared for when the moment does present itself.
For our first example, let’s talk about very traditional gender roles and reflect on how those might translate to dual leadership in our new age.
(In our next example, we’ll talk about a couple with mixed gender roles).
For this example, let’s say you have a man who is good at traditionally masculine things like:
Decisiveness.
Command presence.
Negotiating, backbone, and assertiveness.
Repairs, craftsmanship, and similar physical skills.
Dependability.
Mental, emotional, and physical fortitude.
Providing financially.
Security and protecting his family.
…all qualities that are traditionally considered “masculine.”
Now, let’s look at his traditionally feminine partner whose strengths are:
Nurturing.
Matters of the heart.
Creating a cozy and inviting home.
Conflict resolution, cooperation, and collaboration.
Applying Band Aids with gentleness and a kiss.
Shaping a safe and welcoming emotional environment.
Empathy, compassion, tenderness, and such things.
Soft, calming resolve.
Next, we’re going to look at how this couple with all the qualities and strengths traditionally associated with their gender might engineer their dual leadership dynamic…
We’re going to change things up a bit and start by talking about your feminine counterpart.
We’re going to talk about the ways in which she might lead in traditionally feminine ways first - so that it will be easier to see the contrast and boundaries for masculine leadership when we get to it in a minute here.
In our ultra feminine, idealized example, your female partner might lead you and your relationship as a whole in the following ways:
Nurturing your strengths and potential so that they can grow and thrive in ways you might not have been able to bring to life on your own.
Guiding the direction of your relationship.
Crafting a beautiful home that makes you, your family, and anyone you invite in feel cozy and at peace. Taking the lead in the care and maintenance of the home… with the hyper-masculine partner following her direction.
Leading the discussion in any conflicts in a manner that is supportive and reassuring, but still balances both of your needs.
Letting her take care of you and nurse any wounds or ailments that you might have. It would probably make your partner feel very feminine if you allowed yourself to be vulnerable, giving her the opportunity to bandage up any cuts or abrasions you might get.
Taking the lead when it comes to emotional matters in a safe and welcoming way.
Insisting that you take time to be vulnerable with her, while she tenderly handles your feelings and emotions with care and compassion.
Being given the space to lead the situation when a soft and calming demeanor is called for.
Keep in mind that these are some idealized examples in a situation where she has a high degree of emotional intelligence leading in a hyper-feminine way.
Now, we’re going to move onto how you might lead her and your relationship in ways that are traditionally associated with masculinity.
Don’t expect that even the hyper-masculine man would accomplish all of these things perfectly - nor would the hyper-feminine woman in her roles.
Everything takes practice.
In this scenario, the psychologically healthy hyper-masculine man might lead her and their relationship in the following ways:
Being resolute and decisive on matters that need a clear outcome sooner rather than later, when traditionally feminine consideration and indecision can have negative consequences.
Taking control when a strong, assertive presence is required.
Handling anything that requires negotiation with a third-party, using his superior assertiveness to ensure that he, she, and the family get the best possible outcome.
Leading in matters of home repair, getting things built, fixed, and generally taken care of. That doesn’t mean she can’t be his assistant - helping him get it done so the whole weight of it isn’t solely on him, but this would be a case where she would be following his direction.
Be the powerful mountain that does not bend to any storm. Again, that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t need to nurture him through it and gently attend to his emotions once the storm has passed.
Take control when emotions or physical conditions become overwhelming for his feminine partner and lead her back to safety.
Make sound financial decisions for both himself and his partner, make sure that if she is a stay-at-home wife that she has money set aside to provide for her financial security, and if she works, help guide and develop her career to boost her up to her greatest potential.
Lead on matters of security and defense, making the safety of those in his care - including his feminine partner - of the utmost importance.
These ideas will be intimidating to some men because all hyper-masculine traits won’t apply to them and their individual personality.
That’s okay!
In the next example, we’re going to look at a couple with mixed gender qualities and strengths.
For our second example, I’m going to use the relationship I have with my partner.
He and I both have a mix of traditionally-considered ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ qualities.
His strengths include:
Problem solving.
Organization.
Patience.
Logic.
Curiosity.
Sound decision making.
Emotional regulation.
Physical and emotional care.
My strengths include:
Long-term vision.
Ambition.
Creativity.
Logic.
Curiosity.
Nurturing.
Giving a lot of fucks about other people.
Emotional intelligence.
As you can see, we share some of the same strengths - that is likely to be true of you and your partner, or future partner, as well.
This makes reality more complicated than our idealized example.
But, we’re still going to find a dual leadership approach that works for both of us…
Once again, we’re going to start with the opposing “side’s” leadership areas to better see the boundaries between where the woman leads and where the man leads in this specific relationship.
Knowing the areas where you step back and let the other person lead can make it easier to see the contrast when it comes to the areas in which you lead.
When my partner and I were separating our leadership areas, this is what we decided I was in charge of (I’ve translated our original list into “she” and “him” instead of “I” and “you” as it originally appeared in our private document):
Paint a vivid picture of our future that gets us both excited.
Share her visions about our business and our relationship for feedback and to inspire us both.
Find innovative ways for us to achieve our long-term relationship and business goals.
Generate ideas for novel solutions to mental health and relationship problems for our community and business.
Construct new content for our community and shared business.
Strategize new ways to grow our community and business.
Devise creative new ways to approach the same subject to help more types of people in our community.
Double check her assumptions and conclusions with logic to ensure she hasn't fallen into heuristic traps.
Be curious about him, how he’s doing, what he’s thinking, and how he’s feeling every single day.
Always be willing to ask follow up questions if she feels like she needs to know more or wanting a better understanding.
Nurture his leadership skills, abilities, and confidence.
Encourage his growth as a human being.
Nourish his self-worth.
Consistently express and demonstrate how much she cares for him, both by saying it and by checking on him regularly, asking how his day is going, how he’s doing, how he slept, how his meetings go, etc.
Encourage him to develop or improve his skills, sometimes by literally writing articles to help him increase his understanding on a subject.
Giving a lot of fucks about other people: the entire community that she created to give out all the fucks to all of the people - including him.
Use her emotional intelligence to disarm conflict.
Take into consideration where someone's reaction is coming from or why they might be feeling a certain way about something.
Use emotional intelligence in her writing for our business to figure out ways to make it more impactful - make it resonate with the audience.
Proactively facilitate open, vulnerable, and safe communication.
Creating sexual boundaries for him to work within.
Be proactive in bringing joy to his life.
Finally, the most exciting part for me (because of my particular… proclivities) was talking about the areas in which he will lead our unique relationship.
At first, he struggled with leading - particularly with knowing when to be in charge and when to give me my autonomy, or even follow my lead on things.
Leading was a new experience for him and a learning curve.
Separating out each of our leadership areas helped him feel more confident taking charge in the areas reserved for his leadership.
This is what we decided together would be the ways in which he leads:
Problem solve logistical, technical and administrative issues.
Organize and prioritize the things that are having the biggest impact on our success.
Helping her and holding her accountable to keep her workspaces organized and clean.
Keeping his own workspace organized so it’s not a distraction.
Guidance in administrative tasks and paperwork.
Negotiating, organizing, and tracking orders.
Remaining patient and soothing when waking her up in the morning.
Understanding that she’s autistic and needs instructions broken down into minute steps so she can better comply.
Double check his assumptions and conclusions with logic to ensure he hasn't fallen into heuristic traps.
Be curious about her, how she’s doing, what she’s thinking, and how she’s feeling every single day.
Always be willing to ask follow up questions if he feels like he needs to know more or wanting a better understanding.
Take the proper care and time to consider how a decision will affect the entire team.
Important decisions that will affect our situation need to be approved by him.
Using a calm soothing voice when she’s anxious or worried about something.
Being the one to calm the situation down when she is panicking.
Remind her to take her meds.
Remind her to eat when she’s hyper focused on work.
Remind her of healthy food options.
Letting her know it’s okay to nap when she’s tired.
Listening intently when she’s talking about something that's frustrating her.
Encouraging her throughout the day as she completes tasks.
Letting her know she’s cared for regularly.
Making sexual decisions within the boundaries that she sets.
Take initiative in making sure she feels seen and heard.
As you can see from the second example, there is sometimes overlap in skills, intelligence, and strengths.
If you’re trying to divide up leadership roles evenly, this can be tricky.
How do you decide who should take charge in areas where you both excel?
Do you fight about who’s better?
Do you pick and choose one or the other?
For ourselves, we simply both applied the responsibility of using those strengths to the benefit of the other person and to the benefit of “us.”
Speaking of responsibility, we both realized something very important as we were organizing our separate areas of leadership:
➡️ Leadership is responsibility.
Many times, we can be eager to be in charge of something - to feel like the boss, to feel elevated, to feel important…
…and that can lead us to overlook the fact that everything we lead, we are accountable for.
The buck stops with the leader.
That’s the proper order of things.
If communication and conflict resolution are my areas of leadership, I also need to take responsibility for doing that in the way that best supports my team - in this case: my partner.
As you’re organizing the ways you want to lead, understand that each one of those areas is something that you need to take accountability for if things go sideways.
This is one reason why dual leadership can be less stressful on both partners.
When my partner first started playing with giving me orders, he ran into something that troubled him: he didn’t know if I was in a good place to be following those orders.
What if I was too hungry (I’m hypoglycemic and get the sugar shakes if I don’t eat regularly. This can be a very serious and potentially dangerous problem. What if he gave an order that would be bad for me to obey)?
What if it would mess up my ability to be productive?
What if it would mess with my sleep patterns?
The solution, it turns out, is simple: ask questions and gather information before deciding on what kind of order you want to issue in your area of leadership.
Even when playing games of obedience, sometimes objections are necessary.
The responsible leader hears out any objections or concerns she has to his orders, considers them carefully, double checks that his initial decision was a good one, and changes direction where it makes sense to do so.
A good leader is flexible.
Listening to an objection and changing your mind once you’ve processed it and taken it into account makes you a better leader than most.
This is a tricky one: what do you do if something falls under your umbrella of leadership and the other person is being outright disobedient?
We’re going to talk about leadership styles later in this chapter because it’s relevant to how individual leaders will handle disobedience, but here are some ideas to get you started:
Sit down and talk about whether or not the other person still wants you to lead in that area.
If they do, ask why they’re not allowing you to do so - see if there’s an underlying reason to their resistance.
If they don’t, re-evaluate your leadership roles and what you both want.
Make any necessary changes.
I mentioned earlier that leadership is responsibility.
On the flip side to disobedience, what if it’s the leader who isn’t taking charge of the area they agreed to? Or what if they’re doing so in an irresponsible way?
As with most things, the answer is to start a discussion with them about it asking questions openly and with empathy:
Is the leader overwhelmed with too much responsibility?
Are they too stressed to take charge of their area at this time?
Is it not what they imagined?
Does it no longer suit them?
Do they simply not know how to take charge in that way?
Are they frustrated?
Are they struggling to know how to take command?
These are important questions and we’re not going to be able to get to their answers today.
Some of the answers will be contained in later chapters of this same course and others will be delved into at length in the Masculine Leadership course (which is free for now because it hasn’t started yet, but will be a paid course with heavily discounted options once it’s up and running).
For now, it’s good to just get the conversation going and understanding the underlying reasons amongst yourselves.