As I plunged deeper and deeper into the depths of the internet’s more niche interests, Lilly was no longer a stage name I was using for my exhibitionistic activities - she was an avatar.

Each day, she became more of an entire face I could slip into when I wanted to explore my most sexual side.

Okay, that was weird imagery I just used.

Ignore that.

Lilly became more fully formed is what I’m trying to say here.

She pulled out more and more parts of myself that were true, but that I was suppressing to the rest of the world.

She tried on all the different hidden parts of myself to see if she liked how they fit.

The parts she liked the most were the most honest.

They were the most vulnerable.

They were the barest true thing that Lilly could say about the state of Kit at that moment.

Lilly evolved into the freest and truest part of Kit.

Lilly was radically honest.

Lilly practiced radical acceptance.

Lilly didn’t take offense - she would just calmly tell you when her feelings were hurt.

Lilly was sassy.

Lilly expressed her fears without reservation, without shame.

Lilly was challenging.

Lilly was demanding.

Lilly was both a brat and a princess.

Lilly was inviting.

Lilly had no problem being that lascivious woman when the conditions were safe both physically and emotionally.

Lilly had fun.

Lilly roped other people into having genuine fun… while checking repeatedly to see that they were okay with how things were going.

Lilly was assertive.

Lilly had the confidence to just ask people for the truth even if she wasn’t going to like hearing it.

Lilly was socially undaunted.

Lilly spoke slowly and deliberately.

Lilly moved slowly and deliberately.

Lilly thought faster.

Lilly gave credit and took blame.

Lilly was accountable.

Lilly gave a damn.

Lilly was earnest.

Lilly said exactly what she meant.

Lilly spoke calmly and reflectively.

Lilly was basically everything I had ever wanted to be.

Lilly was all the qualities that I was working towards in four years of therapy.

But Lilly could be all those things just like that.


Lilly wasn’t just an avatar anymore… she was an alter.

She was another fully realized persona.

A better persona.

A cooler persona.

A sexier persona.

A persona I wanted to be more often than not…

Next lesson: “Lilly Took Over”